The Dance of Love

This piece was originally published in New Connexion – Journal of Conscious Living. See link above for original piece. Writing about making conscious decisions about our relationships is one of my callings. As part of a new service I am offering, 13°, you can get a relationship energy forecast twice a month.

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The Dance of Love

Contrary to popular media, the hardest relationship to navigate is not the one we have with someone else, it is the one we have (or don’t have) with ourselves. The relationship dance can be fantastic, exhilarating, and euphoric, or, it can be debilitating, maddening, and tiresome. How we experience this dance rests on how we believe love should be and how we see ourselves as someone who loves.

When The Dance Feels Off

Even when we have loving and healthy relationships, there are times when the dance feels off-kilter. These are normal and a part of coordinating intimacy with another person. These off-kilter moments are also rare. As we build a relationship, we learn how to communicate our wants and needs with another person and, hopefully, in time we dance to the same rhythm, thereby building and sustaining a lasting and loving partnership.

Unfortunately, for many of us, this is not the case.

Many times, we are in a relationship where that off-kilter feeling leads to out-of-sync steps that become our norm and not the exception. Over time, we find that we are not only out of rhythm with our partners, we may not even be dancing to the same song.

In these types of relationships, we spend a lot of time in a state of anxiety or anxiousness always wondering what’s wrong, or a state of ambivalence where we are just resigned to being unhappy or we go along just to get along.

How did we get here?

Why The Dance Feels Off

When we don’t know the steps to our own love dance, we allow someone else to choreograph our love life.

Our love dance, love scripts, love patterns, etc are taught to us by other people. We are taught how to love, who to love, and when to love and, many times, we are not taught very well. The reason is: we are taught by others who also have relationships that are lived out-of-sync, thus we believe that we can only love the way we saw others love or the ways others loved us.

Our earliest love relationships set a blueprint for how we love as adults. If they were not safe and happy then we don’t know how to create safe and happy relationships as adults so we embrace a dance out-of-sync because we don’t know there is another way. But, there is another way.

Dancing Another Way

The most liberating promise of adulthood is we can create our own dance. The path begins with understanding ourselves. Through the process of dismantling old songs and learning our true path, we can inhabit a new version of Self that creates a new dance for the rest of our lives.

One of the ways to accomplish this is through understanding where we are right now. For example, we might find that trying to adhere to traditional gender roles is inhibiting our highest expression of self and impeding our ability to find a love that works for us. Bringing that realization to the forefront allows us to find a partnership that supports a new version of our Self. We can get to that realization in many ways, but figuring out our own love story is the only way to bring our relationships into harmony.

Dance into love holding the hand of your truth so that you may grow with another!

Dr. Sacheen