What do these two words have in common? They are both sides of a disastrous coin. For many people, the relationship default role is playing the victim or being the warrior. This is the case whether the relationship is going along (seemingly) well or whether the relationship is mired in conflict.
These roles are the way we handle our relationships from start to finish and they both bring with them one clear message: I must try to control others because I do not know what I want for myself.
When we take on the role of the Victim, we dissolve ourselves of our responsibility in the relationship. Victims want the person who takes on the burden of making sure life goes smoothly and allows them to not be responsible.
Oftentimes, Victims look for relationships where they can turn over most major decision-making responsibility (and all the relationship blame). They do this by failing to take an active role in the relationships maintenance and by quickly pointing the finger when things go wrong. Victims immediately default to the mantra, “it’s not my fault”, whenever something goes awry and do not take any personal responsibility to set things right.
This role about controlling relationships. Playing the victim means we don’t have to change or adjust to another person. We can simply blame them for the relationships highs or lows and continue in our own pattern of behavior. The expectation is the other person will change because “it’s not my fault”.
The other side of the Victim coin is the Warrior. When we take the Warrior role, we are in charge of everything and everyone in our relationships. We are the master of the ship and all issues (good or bad) come through us. Why? We can handle it better than anyone else.
This role is, also, about being in control.
Oftentimes, Warriors look for relationships with Victims where they can be in total control. Warriors make all the major (and most of the minor) decisions and shoulder all the responsibility for hurt or happiness. Warriors like it this way because it allows them to dole out affection, attention and rewards to those deemed worthy.
Being the Warrior is not about admitting weakness or need. It is about keeping all emotions and needs under tight control and always making sure others know how great they have it because of us. The Warrior does not seek forgiveness for slights or wrongs but expects gratitude for any effort regardless of how unsatisfactory (or unwanted) it may be.
There are times in life when things are not our fault but we not a Victim just a victim.
There are times in life when we do have the best answers but we not a Warrior just a warrior.
The Victim/Warrior role comes from insecurity and fear sown into the pattern of our lives. These are not naturally occurring states for a relationship but learned traits. So, we can unlearn them.
In order to be in a happy relationship, we must find our own way of relating. Something beyond the Victim/Warrior concept that makes us feel whole and gives us options. We are complex, complicated and unique so we should expect to be that way within our relationships and celebrate it.
Our Unique Self gives us permission to be whomever we need to be in order to be happy. It allows us to say no to being a Victim or Warrior. The Unique Self will not settle for the constraints of those roles or all the baggage that comes with them. When we know our Self, we can choose the appropriate role to play and not lose sight of what we need to be healthy and whole (and not make others responsible for our happiness).
It all starts with knowing our Self.
Who are you in relationships?
What roles are you playing?
Are you living your truth and honoring your Unique Self?
Are you living someone else’s truth and being a Victim/Warrior?
Change Your Story, Change Your Life: 6 Weeks to a New You
Tired of being stuck in roles that do not serve you? Let’s talk about how to change that.
Change Your Story, Change Your Life is a 6 week program designed to help you pinpoint the blocks in your relational script that are preventing the relationships you want.
We will work intensively to remove the faulty scripts and replace them with scripts that serve your happiness.
For more information, or a free consultation, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org